Kids who are starting school for the first time or moving to a new school have to cope with the biggest adjustment, of course. But all children will feel some excitement and maybe anxiety about moving up a grade, a new teacher, a changing social circle, and facing more academic demands.
The good news is that a little bit of preparation and forethought – a very little bit, so you can enjoy these last weeks of summer!–can make those first weeks of school easier for your kids – and yourself.
Here’s how:
1. Begin talking with your child about what they can look forward to when school begins.
You might start with “We have a few more weeks to really enjoy summer, and then we get to prepare for your new school year. How are you feeling about school starting?”
When you talk with your child, remember that your most important job is to listen. Children, like the rest of us, need to express their worries and frustrations to a compassionate listener, even when there are no good solutions to what’s bothering them.
So if your child expresses some discomfort, you might say:
“You’re worried about that, huh? Tell me more. What’s the worst thing about that?”
You are not trying to talk your child out of their concern. You are a safe place for them to bring their worries to light, which often makes the worry melt away. It’s good, though, to ask your child how they think they might handle it, if the worry does come to pass. Your goal is always to help your child discover their own inner resources, and to help them remember that they have access to outer resources that will be easily available to help them.
2. Make sure your child is familiar with the school.
If s/he was at the same school in the past, great! You only need to talk about any differences this year.
- “Now that you’re in first grade, you get to play on the big kids playground, and go eat in the lunchroom with the other kids.”
- “Now that you’ll be in third grade, you’ll have homework every day.”
- “Now that you’ll be in middle school, you’ll be walking by yourself. We’ll need to practice crossing Main Street.”
But if this is his/her first year at this school, then you’ll want to take some trips there. Even if there is a formal orientation day just before school begins, start now by taking a trip to the school. If you can get access to the playground, that’s a terrific way to help your child bond with his/her new school.
If the building is open, by all means walk in together to check it out. If you’re allowed to poke your head in the library, peer into a classroom or two, and use the bathroom (important in making him/her feel more secure there) you’ve hit the jackpot. You may not get much further than the office, where you can explain that your child will be starting school in the fall and wanted to see what the school was like, and introduce her to the front office staff. Either way, the more your child sees of the school, the less s/he’ll fret with fear of the unknown, and the more comfortable s/he’ll feel on the first day.
3. Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher.
All kids need to feel connected to their teacher to feel comfortable in the classroom. Until they do, they are not ready to learn. Obviously, if you can arrange for your child to meet the teacher in advance, by all means do so. But there are lots of ways to help your child feel like s/he knows a teacher even if s/he’s never met them.
Once you find out your child’s classroom assignment, begin talking about the teacher in fond and familiar terms.
- “When you’re in Ms. Williams class, I bet she’ll be impressed with what a great cleaner-upper you are.”
- “I’m pretty sure that Ms. Williams reads stories to the kids; she might read your favorite book if we bring it to school.”
If you can find a photo of Ms. Williams, by all means put it up on your refrigerator and speak to it fondly.
“Ms. Williams, you are a great kindergarten teacher and I just know you and my David are going to love each other!”
If you notice in the first week of school that your child doesn’t seem to have connected with his teacher, don’t hesitate to immediately contact the teacher. Just explain that your child was excited before school started but doesn’t seem to have settled in yet. You’re hoping that the teacher can make a special effort to reach out to him so he connects with her and feels at home.
4. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.
Kids are always nervous about their new teacher, but if they know any of the other kids, they’ll feel more at ease. If you’re new in town, make a special effort to meet other kids in the neighborhood. Often schools are willing to introduce new families to each other, allowing kids to connect with other new students in the weeks before school starts. Even if your child is not new to the school, find out which other kids are in her class and arrange a playdate so that s/he’ll feel more connected if s/he hasn’t seen these kids all summer.
5. Practice saying goodbye.
For many children, the biggest challenge will be saying goodbye to you. Orchestrate small separations to practice saying goodbye, and develop a parting routine, such as a hug and a saying like:
“I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll see you at 3!”
You might give your child a token to hold on to that reminds her of you, such as a cut-out heart with a love note, your scarf, or a small stone you found on the beach together, that she can keep in her pocket while you’re apart and give back upon your return. Most kids like to have a picture of the family in their backpacks.
6. Start conversations about the next grade at school or about beginning school.
One good way to do this is to select books relating to that grade. Your librarian can be helpful; some good choices include books by Alan & Janet Ahlberg, Stan & Jan Berenstain, Dianne Blomberg, Marc Brown, Lauren Child, Julie Danneberg, Bonnie Graves, James Howe, Beth Norling, Marisabina Russo, and Amy Schwartz.
Get your child excited by talking about what they can expect, including snack, playground, reading, computers, singing and art. If you know other children who will be in his class or in the school, be sure to mention that s/he will see or play with them. Share your own stories about things you loved about school.
7. Get your child back on an early-to-bed schedule well before school starts.
Most kids begin staying up late in the summer months. But if you have to wake your child for school in the morning, then your child has not had enough sleep. Children need 9.5 to 11 hours of sleep a night, depending on their age and individual physiology. (Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours; toddlers usually do best with 11 hours). Getting kids back on schedule so they’re sound asleep by 9pm, so they can wake by themselves at 7am for school, takes a couple of weeks of gradually moving the bedtime earlier.
8. Let your child choose his own school supplies…
…whether from around your house or from the store, and ready them in her/his backpack or bag.
9. The day before school starts, talk about exactly what will happen the next day…
…to give your child a comfortable mental movie:
“We’ll get up early tomorrow for your first day in Ms. Williams’ class. We will drive there together and I will take you into her classroom and introduce you to her. She will make sure you know all the other kids, because they will be your new friends. Ms. Williams will show you where the bathroom is, and you can ask her anytime you need to go. There will be games and books and blocks, and she will read to the class. And at the end of the day, . . . ‘
Be alert for signs that your child is worried, and reflect that most kids are a little nervous before the first day of school, but that he will feel right at home in his new classroom soon.
10. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye
If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, reassure him/her that s/he will be fine and that you can’t wait to see him/her at the end of the day. Use the goodbye routine you’ve practiced, and then hand him/her off to their teacher. Don’t leave him/ her adrift without a new attachment person, but once you’ve put him/her in good hands, don’t worry. Experienced teachers know about first day jitters and are used to bonding with their charges. His/her tears won’t last long. If your child continues to have a hard time separating, be sure to speak with the teacher. Maybe s/he can give her a special job every morning, or facilitate a friendship with another child who has similar interests.
11. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up that first week of school.
Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties s/he has and may panic him/her altogether. If your child cries when you pick him/her up, don’t worry. You’re seeing the stress of his/her having to keep it together all day and be a big boy/girl. Your return signals that it’s safe to be his/her self again; take it as a compliment. This is true for kids of all ages, who may have uncharacteristic meltdowns during the first week of school, or just before school starts. Chalk it up to stress, don’t be hard on them, and be sure you’re there to talk so they don’t have to resort to tantrums. Before you know it, everyone will be comfortable in their new routine and not even looking back as they race into school